Agatha Bannister looked like a witch
They found her one day hanging out in a ditch
She'd torn off her clothing, had dirt in her hair
Her flesh, it was dirty, her bottom was bare
Agatha Bannister, she then ran away
Leaving the townspeople shocked and dismayed
She ran to the forest as one with the wild
Some even say that she bore a goat's child
Agatha Bannister, she cast a spell
On all the despicable people who dwelled
In the town she once loved when she was a kid
Before all of the horrible things that they did
She poisoned their water and burned down their homes
And into the forest, she meandered and roamed
She killed off their cattle for giggles and grins
And laughed as she watched as they paid for their sins
Agatha Bannister danced in the rain
She felt such pleasure, a voyeur to pain
Deep in the forest, she resides in a cave
Where she's rarely seen by the bold and the brave
What did Agatha Bannister do in that ditch?
She buried her fortune, you see, she was rich!
One day I'll find it and then live quite well
Unless Agatha nabs me and sends me to Hell....
Tuesday, January 2, 2007
Chompers
He watched the blood splatter from the blade of the knife as he flung it through the air. The taste was overwhelming, and as he masticated, he could feel the tendons of the tiny rabbit, resisting being torn apart by his chompers. The man would have rather cut out his own heart than kill the innocent creature, but he hadn't had the courage to end his own life. No, this was the only way for him to survive to see another day... So he feasted upon the warm, twitching bunny, salivating all the while and thirsting for any small sip of liquid.
Realizing that he'd sunk to an all time low, the man raised the knife one final time and thrust it into his chest. He writhed in agony for a few moments while spewing crimson from his mouth upon the virgin snow. The search party had been looking for the man for eighty days when the dog came upon the rapidly cooling cadaver and began to bark. If only the man had walked another half-mile, he'd have discovered the ski lodge...
Realizing that he'd sunk to an all time low, the man raised the knife one final time and thrust it into his chest. He writhed in agony for a few moments while spewing crimson from his mouth upon the virgin snow. The search party had been looking for the man for eighty days when the dog came upon the rapidly cooling cadaver and began to bark. If only the man had walked another half-mile, he'd have discovered the ski lodge...
Mannequin Waltz
I waltzed with an armless mannequin for hours every evening. Gazing into her painted eyes, those eyes that stared straight through me, I could see into the future. In this future, I saw myself waltzing with an armless mannequin. She lovingly stared at me with contempt, knowing the truth about the predicament. As the music swelled and bellowed softly, I began to forget that I was all alone. And so we danced. We danced until my feet bled and her plastic toes began to chip away, revealing the armature beneath. I grasped her pelvis tightly, slipped on the blood that oozed from the gaping blisters on my feet and fell atop my imaginary dance partner, splintering her plastic flesh beneath my weight. As she shattered and I blankly stared at the pile of flesh toned plastic and cold metal, I came to the realization that the "future" I'd envisioned was merely fantasy. Now I was damned to forever be alone.
I Wonder....
I wonder why Zorro was called "the gay blade."
Could he have done more to the foes that he made?
I wonder why John Lennon had to just die
As that crazy man with the gun rushed past by.
Why do transexuals want to be girls?
Can't think of much else quite so hard in this world.
What if they clone a pig that can fly,
And how many people are currently high?
It would be swell if water were beer,
Men couldn't wait for the rain to get here.
I wonder why cats always land on their feet,
And why is this country still run by elite?
I wonder when E.T.'s will land on this earth
To show all us monsters how much we are worth.
What if a werewolf bolts out from the trees
And inflicts my wife with a fatal disease?
As you go on talking, I just tune you out
And my tired mind starts to wander about,
But you never shut up -- you go on for days,
Leaving me bored and thinking this way...
Could he have done more to the foes that he made?
I wonder why John Lennon had to just die
As that crazy man with the gun rushed past by.
Why do transexuals want to be girls?
Can't think of much else quite so hard in this world.
What if they clone a pig that can fly,
And how many people are currently high?
It would be swell if water were beer,
Men couldn't wait for the rain to get here.
I wonder why cats always land on their feet,
And why is this country still run by elite?
I wonder when E.T.'s will land on this earth
To show all us monsters how much we are worth.
What if a werewolf bolts out from the trees
And inflicts my wife with a fatal disease?
As you go on talking, I just tune you out
And my tired mind starts to wander about,
But you never shut up -- you go on for days,
Leaving me bored and thinking this way...
Feline
He laid contorted with jaw agape, plasma drooling from his veins and gathering in a pool that surrounded his cranium, oozing and inching its way toward his torso. The pain had ceased, yet still his muscles contracted and twitched, his eyelids flicked and joints flexed, as his carcass received the final exercise that it would ever experience.
The cat leapt onto the back of its former captor, lifted a paw to its face and began to daintily preen, gloating all the while over its own handiwork. The man would never have the opportunity to neglect it again, and the feline knew that it would now have the rule of the roost. It groomed its whiskers quickly, with only moments to spare before fleeing the crime scene, its tail happily whipping behind as it shuffled down the hallway and made its grand escape.
When the police and ambulance workers arrived, the feline hovered in the shadows, grinning through lips stained with the salty crimson juices that had seeped from its victim. The cat was satisfied and returned to its bedding where it slumbered, nocturnally replaying the day's events. When the cat awoke, it lied there, gears cranking, as it pondered the fate of the woman...
The cat leapt onto the back of its former captor, lifted a paw to its face and began to daintily preen, gloating all the while over its own handiwork. The man would never have the opportunity to neglect it again, and the feline knew that it would now have the rule of the roost. It groomed its whiskers quickly, with only moments to spare before fleeing the crime scene, its tail happily whipping behind as it shuffled down the hallway and made its grand escape.
When the police and ambulance workers arrived, the feline hovered in the shadows, grinning through lips stained with the salty crimson juices that had seeped from its victim. The cat was satisfied and returned to its bedding where it slumbered, nocturnally replaying the day's events. When the cat awoke, it lied there, gears cranking, as it pondered the fate of the woman...
Time
Time passes quickly, you blink, then it's gone
And after one moment, the next comes along
They stretch out for decades but when you reflect
You're losing more -- you see, they all connect
Can't live for the moment, we dwell in the past
Because those sweet times, they are too good to last
And ten seconds later, we don't realize
They have slipped away right in front of our eyes
Time is an illusion and time marches on
We are its players, we're merely the pawns
Yet rarely we stop just to ponder the purpose
'Cuz time's not our friend, nor does time serve us
And after one moment, the next comes along
They stretch out for decades but when you reflect
You're losing more -- you see, they all connect
Can't live for the moment, we dwell in the past
Because those sweet times, they are too good to last
And ten seconds later, we don't realize
They have slipped away right in front of our eyes
Time is an illusion and time marches on
We are its players, we're merely the pawns
Yet rarely we stop just to ponder the purpose
'Cuz time's not our friend, nor does time serve us
The Little Dog
The little dog slinked up the porcelain toilet bowl, perched himself precariously upon the seat, dunked his head in and lapped at the water. He then leapt from the throne and pranced to the corner for a brief nap. When the little dog awoke, he began to bob his head between his thighs, grooming his nether region with the utmost attention from his tongue. The little dog yawned, stretched and swaggered out the doggie door.
While scavenging through the forest, the little dog came upon the decaying carcass of a fallen blackbird that was infested with parasites. To the little dog, this was the ultimate delicacy, and he feasted upon the rotting flesh. This whet his thirst, so he wandered until he came upon a small puddle that had formed at the base of a tree, nesting in its thick roots as one with the earthen soil. The little dog began to deplete the reserve until his belly was full and his thirst was appeased.
With his acute hearing, the little dog could hear the wheels of the car racing across the gravel as it sped up the drive, so he ran to his home as fast as his short legs could carry him. The doggie door didn't slow him as the little dog raced in and began dancing before his owner. As the man eased back onto the sofa, the little dog pounced onto his lap and began slathering the man's face with sweet, tender kisses.
But everyone knows that a dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's...
While scavenging through the forest, the little dog came upon the decaying carcass of a fallen blackbird that was infested with parasites. To the little dog, this was the ultimate delicacy, and he feasted upon the rotting flesh. This whet his thirst, so he wandered until he came upon a small puddle that had formed at the base of a tree, nesting in its thick roots as one with the earthen soil. The little dog began to deplete the reserve until his belly was full and his thirst was appeased.
With his acute hearing, the little dog could hear the wheels of the car racing across the gravel as it sped up the drive, so he ran to his home as fast as his short legs could carry him. The doggie door didn't slow him as the little dog raced in and began dancing before his owner. As the man eased back onto the sofa, the little dog pounced onto his lap and began slathering the man's face with sweet, tender kisses.
But everyone knows that a dog's mouth is cleaner than a human's...
Jasper Jenson
Old Jasper Jenson, he jostled the gin
He tipped over the bottle and threw some ice in
He lifted and tilted, then swallowed it down
And then he proceeded to act like a clown
Old Jasper Jenson was such a dumb man
First, he flipped over and did a headstand
It turned up his insides and hurt in his guts
And so he fell over and then he threw up
Old Jasper Jenson, he tried some cocaine
It tore up his body and ate at his brain
He ripped off his clothes and he ran from the room
And stomped on the flowers that started to bloom
But when they found him, it was strange, you see
He was consummating his love with a tree
Old Jasper Jenson, they put him away
And that's where he is right now, to this day
Jasper Jenson Returns
Old Jasper Jenson just got out of jail
He got his poor mother to finally post bail
He ran from the prison and skipped down the road
And then he proceeded to lick a dead toad
Old Jasper Jenson got jumped in the joint
He liked it too, though that's hardly the point
He screamed out and cried at they hit and they poked
But finally he gave his heart to some bloke
Old Jasper Jenson, he wanted his bong
Despite the fact that he knew it was wrong
He tracked down a dealer and gave him some bucks
Then he loaded the bowl and he gave it a suck
Old Jasper Jenson, he got very high
And fled through the window when squad lights flashed by
He ran through the schoolyard and under a birch
Then he dashed around to the back of the church
Then he bent down and he broke the AC
Knowing that he could get high here for free
From the line with the Freon, he gave a big huff
For old Jasper Jenson, there's never enough
Old Jasper Jenson went into the store
They told him not to come back anymore
Clerk grabbed the phone and he dialed the police
While old Jasper Jenson, he begged him to cease
Old Jasper Jenson clutched onto a beer
And used it to hit the dumb clerk in the ear
When the cops came, Jasper pulled out a gun
This wasn't over, it was suddenly fun
He took the clerk hostage and fled from the scene
But first, he demanded they bring him baked beans
They said he was crazy, but he did persist
‘Cuz old Jasper knew that the clerk would be missed
Old Jasper Jenson jerked down the clerk's jeans
He only did this to prove that he's mean
He whipped out a knife and he slashed the boy's thigh
"Now bring me baked beans," he said, "or he'll die!"
Old Jasper Jenson then dragged him away
And asked the dumb clerk if he'd ever been gay
The answer was no; Jasper started to smile
He'd hoped for this moment for all the short while
Old Jasper Jenson was hung like a horse
The clerk begged and pleaded -- he took it, of course
He choked and he gagged and he cried and he screamed
But old Jasper Jenson was fulfilling a dream
Old Jasper Jenson had his ass in the air
When a policeman stuck his gun there
For old Jasper Jenson, the jig's finally up
It's about time, since old Jasper's corrupt!
Jasper Jenson's Divorce
Old Jasper Jenson just got a divorce
From Henrietta, his thoroughbred horse
He couldn't keep her with him in the clink
Seemed it was over in only a blink
Poor Jasper Jenson, his wife was a cheat
Who simply couldn't get enough of dark meat
She made it with Webster, the neighborhood pig
But fancied the donkey whose d**k was so big
Old Jasper Jenson, he bawled and he cried
And confided to Chuck that he wished he had died
Chuck stroked and caressed him and then they got nude
I could tell more here, but that might be rude
Old Jasper Jenson, he held in his hand
A lethal dose of the contraband
He threatened to use it -- alas, he did not
Because old Jasper Jenson was shot on the spot
Old Jasper Jenson fell down on the floor
Now he is dead, cannot huff anymore
But old Jasper Jenson's now seen on each coast
Traveling the world, since he's merely a ghost
Now it is over and Jasper is gone
He got what he searched for his whole life long
The moment he died was his greatest escape
They even caught it on surveillance tape
Old Jasper Jenson, he finally is free
But often I feel like he's here watching me
'Cuz old Jasper Jenson, he just got the gist
And so he amuses himself with these trysts
He tipped over the bottle and threw some ice in
He lifted and tilted, then swallowed it down
And then he proceeded to act like a clown
Old Jasper Jenson was such a dumb man
First, he flipped over and did a headstand
It turned up his insides and hurt in his guts
And so he fell over and then he threw up
Old Jasper Jenson, he tried some cocaine
It tore up his body and ate at his brain
He ripped off his clothes and he ran from the room
And stomped on the flowers that started to bloom
But when they found him, it was strange, you see
He was consummating his love with a tree
Old Jasper Jenson, they put him away
And that's where he is right now, to this day
Jasper Jenson Returns
Old Jasper Jenson just got out of jail
He got his poor mother to finally post bail
He ran from the prison and skipped down the road
And then he proceeded to lick a dead toad
Old Jasper Jenson got jumped in the joint
He liked it too, though that's hardly the point
He screamed out and cried at they hit and they poked
But finally he gave his heart to some bloke
Old Jasper Jenson, he wanted his bong
Despite the fact that he knew it was wrong
He tracked down a dealer and gave him some bucks
Then he loaded the bowl and he gave it a suck
Old Jasper Jenson, he got very high
And fled through the window when squad lights flashed by
He ran through the schoolyard and under a birch
Then he dashed around to the back of the church
Then he bent down and he broke the AC
Knowing that he could get high here for free
From the line with the Freon, he gave a big huff
For old Jasper Jenson, there's never enough
Old Jasper Jenson went into the store
They told him not to come back anymore
Clerk grabbed the phone and he dialed the police
While old Jasper Jenson, he begged him to cease
Old Jasper Jenson clutched onto a beer
And used it to hit the dumb clerk in the ear
When the cops came, Jasper pulled out a gun
This wasn't over, it was suddenly fun
He took the clerk hostage and fled from the scene
But first, he demanded they bring him baked beans
They said he was crazy, but he did persist
‘Cuz old Jasper knew that the clerk would be missed
Old Jasper Jenson jerked down the clerk's jeans
He only did this to prove that he's mean
He whipped out a knife and he slashed the boy's thigh
"Now bring me baked beans," he said, "or he'll die!"
Old Jasper Jenson then dragged him away
And asked the dumb clerk if he'd ever been gay
The answer was no; Jasper started to smile
He'd hoped for this moment for all the short while
Old Jasper Jenson was hung like a horse
The clerk begged and pleaded -- he took it, of course
He choked and he gagged and he cried and he screamed
But old Jasper Jenson was fulfilling a dream
Old Jasper Jenson had his ass in the air
When a policeman stuck his gun there
For old Jasper Jenson, the jig's finally up
It's about time, since old Jasper's corrupt!
Jasper Jenson's Divorce
Old Jasper Jenson just got a divorce
From Henrietta, his thoroughbred horse
He couldn't keep her with him in the clink
Seemed it was over in only a blink
Poor Jasper Jenson, his wife was a cheat
Who simply couldn't get enough of dark meat
She made it with Webster, the neighborhood pig
But fancied the donkey whose d**k was so big
Old Jasper Jenson, he bawled and he cried
And confided to Chuck that he wished he had died
Chuck stroked and caressed him and then they got nude
I could tell more here, but that might be rude
Old Jasper Jenson, he held in his hand
A lethal dose of the contraband
He threatened to use it -- alas, he did not
Because old Jasper Jenson was shot on the spot
Old Jasper Jenson fell down on the floor
Now he is dead, cannot huff anymore
But old Jasper Jenson's now seen on each coast
Traveling the world, since he's merely a ghost
Now it is over and Jasper is gone
He got what he searched for his whole life long
The moment he died was his greatest escape
They even caught it on surveillance tape
Old Jasper Jenson, he finally is free
But often I feel like he's here watching me
'Cuz old Jasper Jenson, he just got the gist
And so he amuses himself with these trysts
The Days of Old
As the sun sets in the sky
I can feel the autumn rain
Dripping slowly from up high
Onto my window pane
Though the moon is out of sight
And the sun is out of mind
I can feel my skin grow tight
As you creep up from behind
The days of old come back again
When we tumbled in the grass
I think about you now and then
The memories will pass
Still I cannot help but wonder
Why we had to say goodbye
I can feel the crashing thunder
As I kneel down and cry
The meaning of survival
Found in love that's lost within
Is a kiss that brings revival
To a world corrupt with sin
It's an endless game of myth and fact
That keeps us both apart
So I must approach with hope and tact
For, still you have my heart
So please ignore the endless rains
That are flooding from my eyes
For you know that my eternal flame
Has been watered down to die
So if we should brush shoulders
On the streets that lie below
My body will grow colder
As the tears begin to flow
I will love you for forever
I just have to let you know
I know you cannot love me
So I have to let you go
I can feel the autumn rain
Dripping slowly from up high
Onto my window pane
Though the moon is out of sight
And the sun is out of mind
I can feel my skin grow tight
As you creep up from behind
The days of old come back again
When we tumbled in the grass
I think about you now and then
The memories will pass
Still I cannot help but wonder
Why we had to say goodbye
I can feel the crashing thunder
As I kneel down and cry
The meaning of survival
Found in love that's lost within
Is a kiss that brings revival
To a world corrupt with sin
It's an endless game of myth and fact
That keeps us both apart
So I must approach with hope and tact
For, still you have my heart
So please ignore the endless rains
That are flooding from my eyes
For you know that my eternal flame
Has been watered down to die
So if we should brush shoulders
On the streets that lie below
My body will grow colder
As the tears begin to flow
I will love you for forever
I just have to let you know
I know you cannot love me
So I have to let you go
Men & Women
Lady Godiva rode nude on a horse
A man couldn't do that -- it would hurt, of course
There's a sun in the sky and a man on the moon
Yet men reach their climax always too soon
A woman's from Venus, a man is from Mars
'Cuz he has a penis that's bigger than hers
Women use dilldos... well, so do some men
Some use it more, but for most, now and then
Women have round breast while most guys are flat
Though there have been many exceptions to that
Men with small c**ks buy big cars and wield guns
Women don't do this at all -- what's the fun?
Women love shopping but most men do not
Guys like bed-hopping with girls who are hot
Not that girls don't like bed-hopping with guys
But when guys find these girls, it seems quite a surprise
Most guys jerk off several times in the week
It's less frequent for gals when they play hide and seek
'Cuz they can cum more than once in a go
But once a guy shoots, new erections come slow
A man couldn't do that -- it would hurt, of course
There's a sun in the sky and a man on the moon
Yet men reach their climax always too soon
A woman's from Venus, a man is from Mars
'Cuz he has a penis that's bigger than hers
Women use dilldos... well, so do some men
Some use it more, but for most, now and then
Women have round breast while most guys are flat
Though there have been many exceptions to that
Men with small c**ks buy big cars and wield guns
Women don't do this at all -- what's the fun?
Women love shopping but most men do not
Guys like bed-hopping with girls who are hot
Not that girls don't like bed-hopping with guys
But when guys find these girls, it seems quite a surprise
Most guys jerk off several times in the week
It's less frequent for gals when they play hide and seek
'Cuz they can cum more than once in a go
But once a guy shoots, new erections come slow
Mrs. Forrester
Poor Mrs. Forrester hated her life
Until the day when she picked up the knife
And carved up her husband with such expertise
That her tired mind, it was finally appeased
He had it coming, you know, after all
The life that he gave her was hardly a ball
He slapped her and beat her, for her life, she feared
So the fact that she carved him up isn't so weird
When they were found, there was blood everywhere
And in the bathtub... well, they found her there
She'd gutted herself and was finally free
Mrs. Forrester suffered from insanity...
Until the day when she picked up the knife
And carved up her husband with such expertise
That her tired mind, it was finally appeased
He had it coming, you know, after all
The life that he gave her was hardly a ball
He slapped her and beat her, for her life, she feared
So the fact that she carved him up isn't so weird
When they were found, there was blood everywhere
And in the bathtub... well, they found her there
She'd gutted herself and was finally free
Mrs. Forrester suffered from insanity...
Burned
There are stars in the skies
There were tears in my eyes
As we said our goodbyes
On that final day
It was not as I planned
Just could not understand
How to meet your demands
And to do what you say
Was a lesson I learned
And now I'm feeling burned
But you show no concern
Never did anyway
So I say and I do
Anything I want to
And I swear it to you
That one day you will pay
Always get my own way
So come out and play
And we'll make it okay
Just don't burn me this way...
There were tears in my eyes
As we said our goodbyes
On that final day
It was not as I planned
Just could not understand
How to meet your demands
And to do what you say
Was a lesson I learned
And now I'm feeling burned
But you show no concern
Never did anyway
So I say and I do
Anything I want to
And I swear it to you
That one day you will pay
Always get my own way
So come out and play
And we'll make it okay
Just don't burn me this way...
An Awful Song
Once there was an awful song
With no thought put into it
Never one to last real long
It was just so full of kittens
As they laid there on their backs
And licked the hair between their legs
We study the buildup on their teeth of plaque
And wait for them to stand up and roll over
But, alas, they were all crazy
Too fat and useless, too fucking lazy
To short to wander, to tall to roam
I just wished they would go back to outer space
With large green men and spaceships rare
That zoom about within the air
As the people stop to stare
At the gremlins in the streets
In this awful song I wrote
Some sort of cryptic, merely weird note
Or perhaps it's just as it seems
Perhaps I thought of it one night while I was masturbating
With no thought put into it
Never one to last real long
It was just so full of kittens
As they laid there on their backs
And licked the hair between their legs
We study the buildup on their teeth of plaque
And wait for them to stand up and roll over
But, alas, they were all crazy
Too fat and useless, too fucking lazy
To short to wander, to tall to roam
I just wished they would go back to outer space
With large green men and spaceships rare
That zoom about within the air
As the people stop to stare
At the gremlins in the streets
In this awful song I wrote
Some sort of cryptic, merely weird note
Or perhaps it's just as it seems
Perhaps I thought of it one night while I was masturbating
Legless Man
Once I saw a legless man
Running through the trees
He ran so well upon his hands
Until out came the bees
They swarmed to him and pierced his skin
He swelled like a balloon
Down on the ground, the air was thin
He nearly was consumed
This legless man, he screamed and wailed
As they stung him everywhere
He couldn't run and couldn't bail
And couldn't taste the air
This legless man down on the ground
I had to watch him die
And when there's no one else around
I think of him and cry
Running through the trees
He ran so well upon his hands
Until out came the bees
They swarmed to him and pierced his skin
He swelled like a balloon
Down on the ground, the air was thin
He nearly was consumed
This legless man, he screamed and wailed
As they stung him everywhere
He couldn't run and couldn't bail
And couldn't taste the air
This legless man down on the ground
I had to watch him die
And when there's no one else around
I think of him and cry
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