Jasper Jenson

Old Jasper Jenson, he jostled the gin
He tipped over the bottle and threw some ice in
He lifted and tilted, then swallowed it down
And then he proceeded to act like a clown

Old Jasper Jenson was such a dumb man
First, he flipped over and did a headstand
It turned up his insides and hurt in his guts
And so he fell over and then he threw up

Old Jasper Jenson, he tried some cocaine
It tore up his body and ate at his brain
He ripped off his clothes and he ran from the room
And stomped on the flowers that started to bloom

But when they found him, it was strange, you see
He was consummating his love with a tree
Old Jasper Jenson, they put him away
And that's where he is right now, to this day

Jasper Jenson Returns

Old Jasper Jenson just got out of jail
He got his poor mother to finally post bail
He ran from the prison and skipped down the road
And then he proceeded to lick a dead toad

Old Jasper Jenson got jumped in the joint
He liked it too, though that's hardly the point
He screamed out and cried at they hit and they poked
But finally he gave his heart to some bloke

Old Jasper Jenson, he wanted his bong
Despite the fact that he knew it was wrong
He tracked down a dealer and gave him some bucks
Then he loaded the bowl and he gave it a suck

Old Jasper Jenson, he got very high
And fled through the window when squad lights flashed by
He ran through the schoolyard and under a birch
Then he dashed around to the back of the church

Then he bent down and he broke the AC
Knowing that he could get high here for free
From the line with the Freon, he gave a big huff
For old Jasper Jenson, there's never enough

Old Jasper Jenson went into the store
They told him not to come back anymore
Clerk grabbed the phone and he dialed the police
While old Jasper Jenson, he begged him to cease

Old Jasper Jenson clutched onto a beer
And used it to hit the dumb clerk in the ear
When the cops came, Jasper pulled out a gun
This wasn't over, it was suddenly fun

He took the clerk hostage and fled from the scene
But first, he demanded they bring him baked beans
They said he was crazy, but he did persist
‘Cuz old Jasper knew that the clerk would be missed

Old Jasper Jenson jerked down the clerk's jeans
He only did this to prove that he's mean
He whipped out a knife and he slashed the boy's thigh
"Now bring me baked beans," he said, "or he'll die!"

Old Jasper Jenson then dragged him away
And asked the dumb clerk if he'd ever been gay
The answer was no; Jasper started to smile
He'd hoped for this moment for all the short while

Old Jasper Jenson was hung like a horse
The clerk begged and pleaded -- he took it, of course
He choked and he gagged and he cried and he screamed
But old Jasper Jenson was fulfilling a dream

Old Jasper Jenson had his ass in the air
When a policeman stuck his gun there
For old Jasper Jenson, the jig's finally up
It's about time, since old Jasper's corrupt!

Jasper Jenson's Divorce

Old Jasper Jenson just got a divorce
From Henrietta, his thoroughbred horse
He couldn't keep her with him in the clink
Seemed it was over in only a blink

Poor Jasper Jenson, his wife was a cheat
Who simply couldn't get enough of dark meat
She made it with Webster, the neighborhood pig
But fancied the donkey whose d**k was so big

Old Jasper Jenson, he bawled and he cried
And confided to Chuck that he wished he had died
Chuck stroked and caressed him and then they got nude
I could tell more here, but that might be rude

Old Jasper Jenson, he held in his hand
A lethal dose of the contraband
He threatened to use it -- alas, he did not
Because old Jasper Jenson was shot on the spot

Old Jasper Jenson fell down on the floor
Now he is dead, cannot huff anymore
But old Jasper Jenson's now seen on each coast
Traveling the world, since he's merely a ghost

Now it is over and Jasper is gone
He got what he searched for his whole life long
The moment he died was his greatest escape
They even caught it on surveillance tape

Old Jasper Jenson, he finally is free
But often I feel like he's here watching me
'Cuz old Jasper Jenson, he just got the gist
And so he amuses himself with these trysts